Lover girls simply can’t be with low effort guys

healthrelationshipsdating

Mar 5

Written By Megan Sherer

Lover girls simply can’t be with low effort guys

and here’s why you need to insist on a love that makes you feel seen.

You’re shrinking your needs to fit his capacity, and it’s slowly deteriorating your heart.

And you’ve gotta stop doing that, okay?

Sorry, I thought I’d get straight to the point. Because I’ve spent a decade helping women choose themselves, raise their standards in love, and show up more fully in their own desire. And what those years have taught me is that the low effort guy will always take advantage of the lover girl’s big heart. He will benefit from her warmth and openness, without reciprocating the love she pours into the people in her life.

He’ll breadcrumb just enough to keep you around, but he will make you feel like you’re constantly auditioning for his love. There won’t be a moment where you feel like you can finally settle into the relationship, because he’s not building a foundation that you can trust. He’s half in at best, and your heart simply doesn’t work that way.

For a while you’ll try to convince yourself that this is enough. That maybe your sensitivity and longing is too much, and it’s your job to shrink it. That it’s just your anxious attachment that needs managing. And that the good moments with him are worth the crazy-making feeling of never knowing where you stand with him and if it’s really going anywhere.

But it’s not enough. And it never will be, not for someone like you.

A lover girl (or boy, this goes both ways) needs someone to match their freak. You need a love that sees the level of devotion that comes naturally to you and says “bet”.

Which you might be thinking doesn’t exist. Because if it did, surely you’d have seen it by now, right? So of course you’ve convinced yourself to settle if you can’t count on something better coming along.

But here’s the thing, you’ve been experiencing the world through ha very specific filter.

Our entire sense of self, our identity, is built upon the experiences, beliefs and conditioning of our past. And if you have a big heart, I’m willing to bet big money that your sensitivity and intensity has gotten you hurt at some point. That people have told you to your face that you’re too much. Or that what you’re asking for is unrealistic. Or you went all in and they still didn’t choose you.

So, you’re left with the belief that you must be the problem. And then you go out into the world prepared to edit and shapeshift yourself in order to get love. You do whatever you were taught you must in order to belong. And one thing about our brains is that they’re predictive, meaning-making machines. We unconsciously seek out people who will confirm that narratives we hold about ourselves and the world around us.

Aka: if you believe that juicy, open-hearted, playful, reciprocal love is non-existent, you simply won’t see it. It won’t exist in your reality. And if you believe you have to shrink yourself to be loved, you’ll consistently attract people who require you to do so.

From a neuroscientific standpoint, you have to feed your brain new, emotionally charged information that reflects what you want to see more of. Meaning: you have to visualize, think and feel your way into the possibility that there are people out there who love as big as you love and are also seeking to be in relationship with someone like you.

But more than that, you have to take new action.

You can’t keep hanging on to the low effort situationship out of fear that that this is as good as it gets, or hope that they’ll change for you. Because each time they neglect to text you when they say they will, or they don’t make the effort to plan dates or remember your favorite flowers, or they shut down when you try to have an emotional conversation, little pieces of you will fade away. Until eventually, you’re left with a jaded version of you who is too scared to even hope that there’s something better out there.

I don’t want that for you. I’ve been there, and it’s excruciating and demoralizing.

What a want for you is a life full of love and possibility and joy…the kind you know you’re meant to live. I want you to have friends and lovers and whatever kind of romantic partner you dream of, all of whom remind you how needed your heart is in this world. I want you to have people you remind you that it’s healing to let yourself be fully seen. And I want you to have people who don’t ever make you question if you’re too much or not enough or anything but imperfectly lovable.

And in order for you to have all of that, I need you to actually claim it.

Your work is to fully own your lover girl nature, and to step into the identity of someone who knows that love is who you are. That you don’t have to perform for it or earn it. You simply exude it and it bounces right back to you from the most unexpected places.

Your work is to step into the awareness that your love is medicinal. It actually heals people. And we need more of that, so that means it’s your responsibility not to shrink yourself, ever. Not for the low effort people you’ve been hoping will choose you, not for anything.

Your love is your superpower. Thanks for sharing it with us…and don’t forget to let us pour back into you too.

with love,

Megan

ps…if you want to learn more about calling love, authenticity and JOY into your life, you can work with me 1:1, follow me on TikTok for no BS advice, and even attend my 2026 retreat for women - it will change your life!

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